I have to admit that I haven’t been happy the last few weeks. I’d been trying to push that feeling aside and focus on getting things done, but it really hit me this morning. Thinking about it, I realized: my greed (what Buddhist’s call grasping) was causing my unhappiness.
It just so happened that at last night’s Tarot meeting, Justice was discussed. The Justice Card calls us to look at our own lives, our past and present behavior and to “own our shit” so to speak. Well, I had some pretty stinky stuff to see about myself.
- I’m grasping at success.
- I’ve been doing the same thing over and over throughout my life.
My story is: I’m an artist. It’s a weird way to make a living. Some projects work, some don’t. Sometimes I get money, other times not. Usually, I focus on the task at hand and take pleasure in what I’m doing. But once in a while, my mind goes into monkey-mode, and I lose that simplicity.
Recently, I was featured in an article on Tarot. Instead of just being grateful, my mind turned. Publicity, I need more of that! What can I do? I got busy. I wrote my own articles and found an on-line publisher. And I started this blog. My idea behind all this was that when I’m ready to take the Tarot deck that I’m designing to a publisher, I could say: Look at me. If you publish my deck, I’ll be able to promote it.
The problem with that was that it was making me miserable. I wasn’t in the moment, creating because I had something to share with others, I was doing it for greedy, grasping reasons. And I could feel the effects in my body and mind; I was keyed up and my thoughts wouldn’t give me rest. I asked Life to bring me peace.
I remembered the lesson of the Justice card. Justice demands that I look at my past and the way it effects my present. Often, I’ve grasped for more and caused myself to suffer. As soon as I realized what was going on, calm came to me and I could think clearly.
I’m resolved to go about my business without hurting myself. I still want my cards to get published and I will still work on them, but I will try to do what I need to do each day without so much concern for the future. My wisdom tells me that things unfold in their own way in their own time. I’m still going to write articles, but hopefully without so much attachment. As for this blog, I apologize for the spirit that I brought to it. From now on: I’m only going to write when I have something to say that really comes from my True Self.